post-it notes from the NO FUTURE: a wannabe writer in the beta: IT'S NOT JUST A PHASE I'M GOING THRU.




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wThursday, February 23, 2006

no ricochet

completed the 40pp sketch draft of Signal to Detonator, monday. briefly extremely elated, dizzy, decompression giggles, sense of boundless possibility etc etc. bored endless friends with meandering, self-orbiting sentences signifying happiness.

tuesday dawns and i'm naturally in a neurotic tailspin: the play is no good - what was i thinking? doom has crawled rootlike into my marrow and poisons my flesh, liquid shadow, and so on, and so forth... cdn't sleep that night, staring at ceiling, panicking. suddenly three weeks work seem like an elaborate trap i set for myself, all i can see is an accumulation of errors...

spend wednesday sorting all my print-outs into a folder. the organization is soothing. it becomes conceivable once more i might win the struggle with inky sprawl. i even read a few lines here and there, and there's no hate. it seems fixable, a wayward child to be corredted.

fact is, writing is really more about rewriting - the first attempts are tracers, spontaneous gestures that then need weighing, examining, taking apart and re-assembling. good ideas strike like lightning, but work on a larger scale more often has to be coaxed to the surface days and weeks at a time...

it's intellectually - and emotionally - exhausting: the pain of change, trading in yr previous victories, the uncertainty of travelling without a map, no emperic test to sort good from bad... and each draft ripped from the pages of the last.

posted by kicking_k at 10:36 am

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